Monday, 27 July 2009

World's Worst Jew

I hear this a lot, from all kinds of well-informed sources: my work colleague, who is Bahamian; my Malaysian assassin friend and teammate, Kelvin; my asshole ex-girlfriend Wendy, who is something Satan put on earth to piss God off; Aaron, a jew who eats so much bacon and chili-cheese fries that a hundred thousand jews have to keep strictly kosher just to balance it out; and my parents, who weep themselves to sleep each night with the realization that I will likely never marry a jewish woman.

Sure, I've got my problems with Ariel Sharon's government, the whole "peace through helicopters" farce of the roadmap, and the ear-piercing shriek of "ANTI-SEMITISM!!!" from the self-appointed guardians of judaism every time someone criticizes Israel, but I certainly see both sides. I'm not anti, i'm just apathetic about my religion. Maybe it's just a general suspicion of organized religion that keeps me at arm's length.

Anyway, I'm going home for Rosh Hashanah, and I already feel my bowels tightening at the idea of taking part in the Jewish Holidays Fashion Show and Bridal Auction that goes on this time every year. The pain is further compounded by having to sit through some single-headed bullshit spewed up by my arrogant, right-wing rabbi and doing the sit/stand thing with a busted knee for 2 hours. F that, mang.

Tuesday, 20 May 2008

Cats

The cat, Felis silvestris catus, is a small feline carnivore that has been domesticated for several millennia. The term cat most commonly means a domestic cat, although it can also be used to refer to the other members of the feline family. For example lions, tigers, jaguars and the like are often referred to as the big cats.

The wild ancestor of the cat is believed to have been from a desert climate, and cats display behaviours associated with such creatures. They enjoy heat and sunning themselves. Their feces are usually very dry and cats prefer to bury them in sandy places. They are able to stay unmoving in one place for long periods of time, usually when observing prey. In North Africa there are still small wildcats that are probably the ancestors of today's domesticated breeds.

Cats typically weigh 4 to 7 kg (9 to 15 pounds), rarely over 10 kg (22 pounds). In captivity cats typically live 15 to 20 years, though the oldest known cat lived to age 34. Domestic cats, on average, live longer if they are not permitted to go outdoors (thus avoiding accidents), and if they are spayed or neutered.

Cats (including domesticated cats) have a scent organ in the roof of their mouths called the vomeronasal, or Jacobson's Organ. When a cat wrinkles its muzzle, raises its chin, and lets its tongue hang a bit, it is opening the passage to the vomeronasal. This is called the flehman response.

Cats have excellent nocturnal and diurnal vision. As with most carnivores their eyes are both forward facing affording depth perception at the expense of field of view. Cats are weakly trichromatic.

Cats have a third eyelid, which is a thin cover that appears when you open the cat's eyelid. This is called the Nictating Membrane. If a cat is sick, this membrane will partially close. This is a sign that the cat needs immediate veterinary attention. Sometimes, however, if your cat is very sleepy and happy, they will show this membrane.

The sound a cat makes is written "meow" in American English, "miaow" in British English and "mjá" in Icelandic. Cats can also produce a purring noise that is immensely pleasurable to many humans. Some cats growl or hiss when they see other cats on their territory.

The cat was first domesticated by the Ancient Egyptians in 4000 BC, to keep mice and rats away from their grain stores. They regarded cats as embodiments of the goddess Bast, also known as Bastet or Thet; the penalty for killing a cat was death, and when a cat died it was sometimes mummified in the same way as a human. In the Middle Ages, though, cats were often thought to be witches' familiars, and during festivities were sometimes burnt alive or thrown off tall buildings. Today some people believe that white cats are unlucky, or that it is unlucky if a black cat crosses your path, but others believe that black cats are lucky.

The cat is one of the 12-year cycle of animals in the Vietnamese zodiac. It does not, however, appear in the Chinese zodiac. Legend states that the rat, who invited the animals to the Jade Emperor's palace to be chosen for the zodiac, forgot to invite the cat. So the cat declared the rat it's natural enemy.

Cats are kept for companionship as pets, and to hunt mice and rats. Farms often have dozens of cats, living semi-wild in the barns. Hunting in the barns and the fields, they kill and eat rodents that would otherwise eat large parts of the grain crop. (Many pet cats successfully hunt and kill mice, birds and fish by instinct, but might not eat their prey). Feral cats may live alone or in large groups called colonies with communal nurseries, depending on resource availability.

Like many other domesticated animals, cats lived in a mutualistic arrangement with humans. The benefit of removing rats and mice from humans' food stores outweighed the cost of allowing a formerly-wild animal to enjoy the relative safety of a human settlement; hence, the relationship between cat and human has continued. However, unlike other domesticated species, housecats' ancestors did not hunt socially or enjoy the safety of a herd, as other domesticated animals did. This evolutionary history may be the reason cats do not 'understand' the desires of humans in the same way that dogs do; before humans, cats had fewer social relationships to benefit from. This may also contribute to a sense common among pet owners that cats are both more aloof and more self-sufficient than other pets. However, cats can be very affectionate towards their humans, especially if they imprint on them at a very young age and are treated with consistent affection.

Varieties of the big domestic cat

Typical domestic shorthairThere are many named breeds, each with distinct features and heritage. However, due to common cross-breeding in populated areas, many cats are simply identified as belonging to the homogeneous breeds of domestic longhair and domestic shorthair, depending on their type of fur.

Calico (US) or tortoiseshell (UK) cats have multiple colors. Bicolor cats are partly white. A tabby cat is a striped cat.

A male cat is usually called a tom cat, a female cat is called a queen. A young cat is called a kitten (as are baby rats, rabbits, and squirrels). A cat whose ancestry is officially registered is called a purebred cat or a Pedigreed cat or a Show cat. The owners and breeders of show cats compete to see who can breed the cat with the closest resemblance to the 'ideal' definition of the breed (see eugenics). Less than one percent of the total feline population are purebred cats---the remaining 99% have mixed ancestry and are generally known in the UK as moggies, or more properly domestic longhairs and domestic shorthairs.

Cats as food

In desperate times, people have been known to be reduced to cooking and eating cats. This occurred in Argentina in 1996. [1] In some poor parts of Africa, there are no stray cats on the street, because every stray that is found gets caught and cooked. Cats, like many other animals, are also occasionally prepared in Cantonese cuisine. Sometimes the term "roof-hare" applies to a cat's meat presented as a hare. Subtracting the skin, feet, head and tail, hares and cats are practically identical. The only way to distinguish them is by looking at the processus hamatus of the feline scapula, which should have a proccessus suprahamatus.