World's Worst Jew

I hear this a lot, from all kinds of well-informed sources: my work colleague, who is Bahamian; my Malaysian assassin friend and teammate, Kelvin; my asshole ex-girlfriend Wendy, who is something Satan put on earth to piss God off; Aaron, a jew who eats so much bacon and chili-cheese fries that a hundred thousand jews have to keep strictly kosher just to balance it out; and my parents, who weep themselves to sleep each night with the realization that I will likely never marry a jewish woman.

Sure, I've got my problems with Ariel Sharon's government, the whole "peace through helicopters" farce of the roadmap, and the ear-piercing shriek of "ANTI-SEMITISM!!!" from the self-appointed guardians of judaism every time someone criticizes Israel, but I certainly see both sides. I'm not anti, i'm just apathetic about my religion. Maybe it's just a general suspicion of organized religion that keeps me at arm's length.

Anyway, I'm going home for Rosh Hashanah, and I already feel my bowels tightening at the idea of taking part in the Jewish Holidays Fashion Show and Bridal Auction that goes on this time every year. The pain is further compounded by having to sit through some single-headed bullshit spewed up by my arrogant, right-wing rabbi and doing the sit/stand thing with a busted knee for 2 hours. F that, mang.